This is a weird post for me to write, and it might even be difficult. I don’t really know why I find it so hard, it’s not like anything is going to change. I’m still in a happy straight passing relationship (straight passing means people assume we are both straight because we are a woman/man relationship, but obviously I’m not straight, at all lol). Almost all my friends are part of the LGBTQA+, hell, I only have about 2 friends who are straight. I grew up with a very positive family. My mum used to have quite a few male friends who are gay, so I grew up knowing that it’s all okay. I just don’t talk about this. It’s not a secret, but it’s not something I just tell people. But, when I was growing up, I needed someone to tell me that the way I was feeling was completely normal, actually normal. Not the “oh that’ll change when you grow older!!!1!!” normal. So, I’m writing this for my teenage self, and hopefully, you.
I’ve only started figuring things out over the past 2 years or so. I always thought certain things were normal, but I realised that other people don’t feel and experience the same things. Also, this isn’t a post I’d like my parents to read, let’s be real, certain things are just WEIRD to explain to your parents, even when you are almost 25, haha!
I’ve always thought I was bisexual/pansexual or even queer, I know not everyone is comfortable with using that term, but it’s just easier for me. Now, to me there’s no difference between bisexuality and pansexuality but to be clear:
Bisexuality is romantic attraction, sexual attraction, or sexual behavior toward both males and females, or to more than one sex or gender. It may also be defined as romantic or sexual attraction to people of any sex or gender identity, which is also known as pansexuality.
I’ve never really made that a secret. My first crush was on a girl, so I knew very early on that I’m not straight. I can fall in love with anyone, no matter their gender or own orientation, but unfortunately for me, the girls I liked never liked me back, so I’ve only been in relationships with men. That doesn’t mean I’m any less of a bi/pan person, your relationships don’t define your orientation! All my crushes are on women. I love women. I mean, they are absolutely beautiful and I’m obsessed with them. But I’ve never felt the same kind of love as other people loving people in my life do. I never understood why my friends were like: “Oh, I want him in my bed!” or “Wow, she’s sexy!”, I just didn’t get that. I actually feel really uncomfortable when people call other people sexy, it’s just gross to me??? I just thought I was a prude, plain and simple. But as I got older, I noticed my aversion for it never changed. Then I came across asexuality, and a light bulb went on.
My mum always jokingly complained about why her children were the most prudish children ever, and well, that’s why I am.
I highly dislike looking, reading, knowing anything about sex. I don’t watch TV shows and movies if there’s any sex in it. I don’t read any books with it in it (few exceptions such as Victorian sex scenes which only means a lady is in her GASP petticoats). I actively avoid it. If I watch anything and it’s on suddenly on the screen, I will literally close my eyes and cover my ears, because it makes me so gosh darn uncomfortable. I’ve always been like that. In high school, my friends were already having sex (some younger than others, and I’m not judging in any way, as long as you keep it safe and consensual!!!) and I was just not interested at all. Some people thought it weird that I didn’t care, but I much rather spend my time in other ways, lol. At one point I just had boyfriends and stuff just so people would stop asking me things. Bad, I know, but hey I was a teenager so give me some slack. When I graduated high school I was 16, and my friends thought it really strange I never did anything with anyone. They never pushed me, but some of them did let me know it was odd.
When I was in my late teens, early twenties, I had my first ‘real’ relationship with a guy who was much older than me, so I thought he knew what he was talking about. He was my first in everything so naturally, I went to him with any questions I had. I asked him why I didn’t care about sex, why it just isn’t as fun for me as it was for him or other people, and he just said: “Women peak sexually in their 30s, you’ll find enjoyment then”, which in itself, is a major red flag and y’all shouldn’t think that’s normal because it isn’t!!!! It should be fun for all parties, no matter your sexual orientation, just take that from me, your local aunt. I believed him though, I thought it was normal that I didn’t like it.
Until I met my now boyfriend. He made me realise it should be fun, and it is fun with him, but he made me also realise that I have no interest in it, nor do I have any desire to do any of these things. I can easily go without, whereas he doesn’t. We can go months without and I don’t even realise. Sometimes I even forget it’s an actual thing people do. Honestly. I just don’t have the desire to do so. I know some people wake up in the morning and are like: “Yes, today I’d like the Sex please”, but I never, ever have that. Which just felt really strange to me for a long time. I thought maybe things were wrong with me, or something like that. I blamed it on my health, my pill, my medication, my everything. But no, it’s completely normal, honestly, it is. I promise.
Now, a lot of people ask me the same damn question whenever I tell them I’m asexual. It’s the most ridiculous and absurd question:
How does your boyfriend feel about it?
Now, if your first question is this when someone tells you about this, I highly doubt you are happy in your relationship, because having a relationship is more than having sex. Can you tell I’m angry about this? There’s only been 1 person of all the people I told this, that didn’t ask about my boyfriend. ONE. Ridiculous. However, to answer this question that’s apparently on everyone’s lips: he doesn’t mind. At all. Because he fell in love with me as a person, not whether I want to have any ~*sexy*~ times or not. And guess what: we are actually really, really happy. We are intimate in different ways than just sex, and it works for us. We have great communication skills and we never ever force anything the other one doesn’t want. Does that mean we never do things? No, because I realise he does need it, and hey, it can be fun!
I don’t like to talk about my own personal sexlife, honestly, I don’t even like the word ‘sex’, so you can guess how difficult it was for me to use the word so many times this blogpost, but I felt it necessary to tell you about this, because I want you to know that if you are figuring things out that everything is normal and the way you want to experiment and try to figure things out is just as valid as anything else. I actually felt for a really long time that I couldn’t identify as asexual, because all I ever read about it was that asexual people were disgusted by sex, hated it, were celibate, and all those things, which I’m not. Well, I am slightly disgusted by it, but that’s just because I don’t want to see OTHER people do things, lol. There are so many terms for these things, that I kind of get overwhelmed by it. But just know, kid, that if you feel like you are asexual, chances are you actually are. Don’t worry too much about labels, sexuality is fluid. Tons of people think they are X and then figure out 50 years later that actually, they are Y. And that’s ok. Just because you identify now as a certain orientation, that doesn’t mean you have to stay this way forever. Your own identity is your own and no one else’s. If people are being assholes about it, just delete them from your life, you don’t need them. I’m your new best friend now. Or your mum. Or your auntie. Hell, even your grandma. You don’t have to fit into one identity. That’s why I like using the term ‘queer’, because to me it’s fluid. It doesn’t explicitly say ‘oh I’m gay’ or ‘oh I’m bi’, it covers everything.
I’m glad we are getting to an age where things are a lot more open. If you think this is a recent trend I’d like you to open a history book or two because LGBTQA+ people have always been here. Always. Honestly, always. I will seriously fight you on this if you beg to differ, with my bare hands. (Que: Team Starkid: “he’s got bear hands!!!”).
I never felt good enough to be part of it though. I’ve only ever been in straight passing relationships and I felt fake for so long. Some of my friends made me feel this way as well, but just because my relationships were with men, that doesn’t mean I’m any less queer. I’m not any less valid because I don’t feel sexual attraction. Neither are you. I’m still part of the LGBTQA+ group, I mean, the A stands for asexual for a reason (and not ally like some imply!!!) and so are you.
It’s just all about love and isn’t love more important than what we do or don’t do in bed?
if you want to talk about this privately, or have any questions, you can mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org